Month: March 2016

My last email to Michael

My last email to Michael

by queenofwrecks ♥ 0 Leave a Comment
And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young. It never fails to surprise you as you grow older and you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

It happened. I don’t need to wonder when my turn will be. I know the exact moment when you finally broke me.

Nothing for me was fake. It was all achingly real.  The love I had for you was real. The struggle was real. The passion was real. The betrayal was real. My desire to move on, to love myself more than I have for the last three years, to build a life of compassion and kindness despite my new pessimism — those are all real.

Sometimes you don’t feel the weight of what you’ve been carrying until you feel the weight of its release.  The years of compromise and secrets weighed heavily, and I am grateful to no longer be carrying those burdens. Why I allowed and encouraged you to marginalize my needs & importance, all while claiming you loved me, is something that requires deep perspective and soul-searching to guard myself from a repeat experience.

You cannot reach me anymore. You cannot hurt me ever again. There is no space in my life for you, not in 10 years, not in 30. You are gone and one day I will be far better for your absence than I ever was for your presence.

Michael, I don’t wish you ill but I don’t wish you well, either.  You showed no care for me and, consequently, you deserve no care from me. You are a void space of wasted years, my cautionary tale, my most painful regret. That is all you are to me. And that, Michael, is for the best and, frankly, better than you deserve.
Forgiveness is my gift to me. I deserve to forgive you; I deserve to let you go forever. I forgive you.
We began & ended with a lie

We began & ended with a lie

by queenofwrecks ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The first time he lied to me was on our second date in September, 2012.

“We were never married and we separated 8 years ago.”

His eyes welled when I asked him what had gone wrong. His ex was a depressive; she offered no support; she would come home and sleep on the couch; they hadn’t been physical in nearly a decade. He told me that he was living near her and her extended family for his kids’ sake.

The last time he lied to me was on February 13th, three years later.

“I will love you forever,” he said in what would be the last phone call I’d ever accept from him. “This is not your fault,” he said.  “I did this to you.”

And then there was silence between us. Because he was married all along. Because she found out. Because he lied to her to save the marriage, reducing our loving, long-term relationship to a tawdry, emotionless affair.